Thursday, April 10, 2014

A Day in the Life

There are days where the world is hell bent on ruining everything you try to do. Be it a simple task like driving to the grocery store, or simply returning an item. Thankfully, these days are not as common as people like to portray. But when they do happen, those days hit you pretty hard.

I'm pretty sure one day of my life in summer was turned into another terrible Chuck Lorre sitcom with laugh track included. Starring a silly girl who is not aware of anything in her immediate area and obnoxious situations that keep being hurled at her.

Besides working at my college cafeteria and spilling various rotten liquids on myself; I spent most of my free time in the summer of 2013 playing the Mass Effect series (...and consequently fell in love with a space turtle...)
I really wish this were my life

I finally finished the second game and desperately needed to get the third one in order to save the damned galaxy. I drove out to my local GameStop (the only video game store in a hundred mile radius I might add...) and searched for the femshep cover. After the long search, I finally found my jewel. The strong and beautiful red-head that I yearned to be stood triumphantly on a burning earth.  I happily skipped to the front desk and purchased this amazing game.

Enthused that I finally had the key to destroying the Reapers, I made my way home with only one thought in my mind, "If I don't play this game right now I might actually die." I flew into my apartment, startling my poor roommate, and proudly presented my treasure.  "Look at this bad ass space girl and her cool armor. Look at her."  My roommate squinted her eyes in confusion, "That's a dude." Upon my realization, horror struck. John Shepard and his smug face were staring right back at me.

You smug bastard. Mocking me...

I distinctly remembering sighing so loudly that her cat woke up from his nap and stared at me disapprovingly. I could feel the judgement in his eyes, "Get over it, drama queen."

I resolved to go back to GameStop to get the cover I so desperately needed. I climbed into my rusty, old clanker and headed back out. I really did not expect the next series of events to happen...

I headed down the barren road to GameStop with my windows down and without a care in the world. Summer time is my absolute favorite time of the year, so I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have to the road. Out of nowhere, a car turned into my lane. This is a two lane road with only a turning lane in the middle from time to time. I had no idea what this person was thinking, their car was headed straight for mine. I punched the horn hoping the driver would move before it was too late. Luckily, he did. I looked as he passed by, a little old man angrily flipped me off.

Sorry for saving your life

I stopped at boyfriend's apartment still shaken up from what had happened. Six months before that I had gotten into my first car accident and my car was totaled by a dumb teenage boy.  So, I was reasonably on edge. I pull into his complex and waited for him to come out so we could get to GameStop before it closed for the night. As I waited, I began to fumble with some things in my car. I heard a really strange buzzing sound coming from my cup holder, "What in the hell..." I moved the various fast food receipts out of the cup holder to reveal a fucking bee just laying in wait. I think my scream shattered a few windows nearby. I immediately reached for my door handle and jumped out, nearly breaking my nose trying to get out of my car. I loathe bees.  But this wasn't just a bee, it was a damn wasp. Boyfriend had just witnessed the scene unfold in front of him.
"Um...What's going on?"
I whirled around, shouting "BEE IN MY FUCKING CAR. GET IT OUT. AHHHHH."
"Nope. I might be allergic to bees. You get it."
"You're useless."
I kept my sun roof open all summer; the wasp must have fallen in while parked.  It didn't move too much so I assumed it was hurt. I gave myself a pep-talk and grabbed a piece of paper from inside the apartment. I bravely flung the wasp (gently) out of my car. I felt bad, but not bad enough to allow myself to be stung.
I was almost HARPOONED

Finally, after clearing my car of terrifying bugs and other weird creatures I dragged boyfriend along with me to GameStop. His apartment was right across the street from the store.  I pulled into the parking lot, laughing about the rogue wasp in my car. I stepped out of my car and looked over at boyfriend over the top of my car. My eyes fell upon my cell phone sitting right on the roof. In the midst of the terrifying battle with the wasp I left my phone on top of my car. I couldn't believe I left it on top of my car and it survived! I started laughing again, baffled by my own idiocy. We walked into GameStop determined to get my FemShep cover. I walked up to the desk, confident in my stride and appearance, and asked for the female cover.
"You know it flips around, right?"
"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

And thus; I was almost killed by an angry old man who couldn't drive, nearly stabbed by a dying wasp, and left my phone atop of a speeding car in about a ten minute span. All so I could get the cover for my favorite video game character/role model/obsession. I could have just stayed at home and flipped the cover around. I stayed in my house for a good week after that.
"That bird looked like it was plotting my demise..." "Shut up, human."

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Fashion Choices No One Should Choose

Clothes are the best. My floor is almost always covered with hundreds of them. After 16 years of dressing myself I think I've finally got it down. But sometimes I question the choices of my peers.

As a college student I totally understand the meaning of laziness and comfortability. But sometimes it just gets ridiculous and goes too far. I'm looking forward to seeing these fashion trends around campus this year. (And I hope you do too!)

Camel Toes and Leggings/Jeggings/Beggings/What ever the hell they are
Ladies. Ladies, please. I know how comfortable leggings can be. I wear them under my skirts, my black tunic, and even boy sweatshirts. But I don't wear them with a short tee shirt so all the world can see my hoo-hah. When walking around campus and girls everywhere are wearing leggings, it's like BAM! motha-effen vaginas all up in my face. I can understand why guys enjoy leggings. Our butts look great in them (I love jeggings and yoga pants just because my butt looks fantastical in them.)  But I really don't want to be ambushed by vaginas when I'm casually walking to my next class. So instead, let's take camel toe and make it camel whoa. Slap some shiny beads on that shit.  Make some cool designs; like a triforce, a lightening bolt, a dragon, a star, whatever you want! Because I'd rather be blinded by shiny beads than camel toes.
Damn girl, look at that camel toe

It's dangerous to go alone. Take this...

Uggs and Shorts: What weather are you preparing for?! (Though in Michigan it might be appropriate...)
Okay seriously, what. What?! Wearing uggs is like strapping sheep to your feet. It's warm, fluffy, and magical.  But when you pair them with shorts you just look confused. If it's summer you're probably not wearing socks with them so your feet are probably swimmimg in sweat. Or if it's winter your legs are covered in a sheet of ice. If you want to feel like you have sheep on your feet, then just strap sheep to them. Then you don't even have to walk.

Shawty got them boots with tha fur

Seriously. Think about it.

Pants on the ground, Pants on the ground. Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground.
Pants are tough. I fall on my booty every time I try to put them on in the morning. Sometimes my foot gets stuck in a weird bunched up part and I almost knock myself out on the way down to the floor. But I stick to it and I wear my pants correctly when I leave the house. I guess no one else really understands this. Boys and girls alike can't seem to grasp this concept. I see crack and undies on a daily basis in classrooms. I don't have a solution for this one. I guess we're cursed with it for a while.

Oh My God, Becky, look at her butt!

Drug Rugs and Leather: Exclusively for Hipsters (not Hippies)
This isn't a very common one on campus, but deserves a shout out for being ridiculous. I'm pretty sure most people who wear drug rugs are either huge stoners or huge hippies--basically the same thing. And those who wear leather jackets usually have cool boots, aviator sunglasses, and ride motorcycles. Or is that a stereotype I desperately want to be real? Anyways, pairing the two together makes for look. The poor drug rug is trying to escape the death grip of the leather jacket. So fashionable. Another easy solution to this problem; choose one or the other. They'll both keep you warm. Having both might give you heat stroke.


Broshirts: Look at Me, I Work Out. Ladies.
I work at one of the cafeterias on campus. Our policy on dress code is pretty strict. We can't have holes in our pants, no jewlery, no yoga pants/leggings, and boys have to wrap their beards up in a hair net or shave their glorious facial hair. We're so strict we even have a dress code for the customers. So how these guys can just casually walk around in tank tops (too tiny for even me) baffles me. Yes, you have nice pecs. And I'll give you that your abs are almost defined. But I really don't want to see your moobs being flexed in my face when I'm trying to sweep your entire meal off the ground. I saw this one kid nonchalantly swaggering about with what I think was just a stretched out thong around his upper body. Simple solution to this one; put on a shirt. Head on down to your local Target and pick up a soft, cotton t-shirt. I can still see your muscles. Girls will still swoon when you hand them your ID card. I feel that it's awkward that I already know what you look like half-naked without even knowing your name. Call me old fashioned, but I like my men mysterious.


Tacos are the only important thing in life

Bun on the Head: The Highest of Them All
I hate this. I hate this more than anything in the whole world. Life's problems would be fixed if this were not a thing. War would be ended forever if this went away. Jesus would come back for a second time if this never happened. This is a plague on all of humanity. Why? Why?! Why do girls find this hairstyle completely acceptable? It's not cute, it looks like a bird decided to make a nest (violently) out of your hair you while you were merrily on your way to class. It's even worse when girls are in da club and think their hair is too much to handle. So instead they pile it on up and continue to guzzle down their drinks. No. Just no. Stop it. Fortunately, I have an amazing upgrade for this "hair-don't!" (Get it? Get it?! I kill me.) Snowmen. Well, I guess more appropriately, Hairy Snowmen? Hairmen? Flowing-locks-of-gold men? All of those do not sound okay, but that's beside the point. Stack that hair up on your head, but section it off into round pieces. Then apply a top hat clip to the very top of the bun and secure an orange clip for the nose. And voila! Hairy snowman! Now you don't half as ridiculous with that big ol' bun on your head. And you'll be happier. (Because I said so.)

She's part giraffe (on her father's side)

There is also a mashed potato version!

Penis Horse
Just kidding. This is awesome.

Courtesy of my friend Kara Cooke. Check her out!